


Yes, You're Dead!

by FalconLux



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Afterlife, Gen, Humor, Master of Death, OCcentric, Oneshot, slightly crackish
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-18
Updated: 2016-03-18
Packaged: 2018-05-27 10:01:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,174
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6280129
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FalconLux/pseuds/FalconLux
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What does it mean to be the Master of Death? Are there responsibilities? Subjects? A throne? This is one idea that I had. – Somewhat crackish, told from the perspective of a random muggle.  Oneshot.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Yes, You're Dead!

John Smith started and looked around uneasily as he tried to figure out where he was and how he’d gotten here.  He was standing in some kind of archaic stadium with what had to be a hundred other people spaced out over stone risers, giving them all a clear view of an empty stage set up below.  The last thing John remembered, he’d been riding his motorbike, and then…

His eyes widened as he recalled the car in front of him swerving around a stalled car at the last moment.  He’d jerked the handlebars, but he’d known that it was far too late.  The bike swerved, and then it had hit the car and he’d been thrown…

Oh God…  He wasn’t…  He _couldn’t_ be…! 

He looked around again.  The sky above was a brilliant blue, the stadium just looked like a stadium.  All the people around him just looked like people.  This didn’t look like heaven, but neither was it any hell he’d ever imagined.

Maybe he was in a coma and this was some kind of delusion…?

He was startled from his thoughts by a woman’s voice echoing loudly over the gathering.

“Excuse me?!  Hello!”

He looked down at the stage to see that it was now occupied by a pretty woman with long red hair and eyes so green that he could make out the color even as far back in the gathering as he was.  She looked about twenty-five, and was wearing a pale green sundress, of all things.

“Hello,” the woman smiled warmly when she saw that she had everyone’s attention.  “For those of you who are uncertain, this is the Realm of Death.  Yes,” she nodded over the rise of exclamations from the audience.  “Yes, I’m afraid we’re all dead.  Don’t bother trying to argue about it or bargain with me.  The lives you’ve left have ended.  Nothing to be done about it.”

“Is this heaven?” someone asked fearfully toward the front.

The woman smiled bemusedly at the girl.  “No, hun.  I’m afraid not.  Don’t worry, however.  You’re not in hell either.  There actually _is_ no heaven and no hell.  Or perhaps you could argue that this place is both,” she shrugged.  “However you want to look at it.”

“Is my wife here?” someone else asked desperately.  “She died two years ago.”

“If she died two years ago, then I’m sure she’s around here somewhere.  Now, if you’ll all hold your questions for a few moments, I’ll give some initial explanations.  First off, my name is Lily, and this is your official orientation to the Realm of Death.”

That woman was far too cheerful for a dead lady, John decided.  _Far_ too cheerful.  Personally, he was having a hard time paying attention to her through the haze of anger and denial that he was currently experiencing at learning that he was dead.  What a stupid fucking way to die.  Well, he sighed, at least he wasn’t in hell.  He’d mostly expected that’s where he’d be heading.

“Now, for those of you that come from the more _strict_ religious backgrounds, I’m afraid I may have to disappoint you,” she commiserated without sounding very sorry at all.  “As there is no heaven nor hell, there is also no God nor Satan.  At least, not as you’ve probably been groomed to believe.  There are very few rules here, and they basically all center around…”  She gestured to her side and John started, though at least he didn’t scream like some of the others, as a man suddenly appeared next to the woman.  Or, he initially thought that was what happened.  On closer inspection, however, he realized that it wasn’t a real person.  It was utterly still, like a photograph.  Something like a hologram, he assumed.  Considering that he was apparently a spirit in the Realm of Death, maybe it was like magic or something.

“This is the Master of Death,” the woman said cheerfully of the hologram.  The man looked maybe somewhere between twenty-five and thirty with a lightly tanned complexion, long black hair, and eyes as green as the woman’s.  He was wearing some kind of archaic-looking black robe that was frankly rather intimidating despite the fact that he didn’t appear to have horns, red skin, or a tail.

“Here in the Realm of Death, the Master of Death is God,” Lily was going on cheerfully.  “He has absolute power over everything here, each of you included.  For the most part, none of you will ever so much as see him.  If, however, you should run across him, it would be in your best interests to be very polite.  He doesn’t bother with most of the dead, but should you draw his ire, he is very capable of trapping you in your worst nightmares for a few thousand years.  I hear it is extremely unpleasant.

“Now, the fastest ways to draw his ire would be to fail to answer his questions, annoy him when he wishes for privacy, or to bring trouble to his favored, which would be me and a few others.  I’m his mother, by the way.”

John blinked at the young woman who in no way looked like she could be anyone’s mother, much less the mother of Death.  They did have the same eyes though.

This was really weird, John decided.  Really damn weird.

“Excuse me, ma’am,” someone toward the front called. 

“Yes?” she inquired chipperly.

“Isn’t that…  Is that Harry Potter?”

“He is,” she smiled.

A murmuring rose from the gathering again as some people seemed to be discussing Harry Potter while others discussed the question of who the hell that was.  John was in the latter group, though he wasn’t talking to anyone.  He’d never heard of any Harry Potter before.

“Are there muggles here?” someone else asked.

“Yes, there are.  The Realm of Death encompasses all life on earth, magical, muggle, creature, and even plant and animal,” Lily replied warmly.  “For those of you who don’t know, muggle refers to a human that has no magic.  Yes, that means that some humans do.  The magical world is hidden in the Realm of the Living.  There is no distinction here.

“Now, I imagine that you have a lot more questions.  Unfortunately, I have another group to meet in about…” she checked her wristwatch, “twenty seconds.  So, if you’ll all file out the doors at the rear,” she gestured broadly toward the back of the stadium, “any deceased friends and family that have been waiting for you should have arrived by now.  Thank you all for listening, and I hope you all have a very enjoyable death.”

Then she turned and just vanished.

John looked up at the sky while everyone else started to move toward the indicated door, muttering amongst themselves, some looking as lost as he felt.  He certainly hadn’t expected to find anything like this at the end of his life.  At least he hadn’t ceased to exist, he supposed.  Maybe this wouldn’t be so bad.

He wondered if Death’s mum was single.

**Author's Note:**

> As always, feel free to make my ideas into your ideas! If you were inspired by this story, you have my full blessing to continue it, play around with the concepts, or in any other way twist and play with it. I ask only that you include a small note giving my story credit for your inspiration, and I would love it if you let me know when you posted so that I could read it.


End file.
